13 July 2006

My brother, Joel [yes]

So, I have this friend named Joel. He is married to my very good friend, Melinda, and I hung out with the two of them all the time in college. I was always the third wheel, but it was never awkward, and I don't think either of them cared at all. Like, we can talk about labium and fart in front of each other and yell at each other, etc. Because of this, Joel and I developed very much a brotherly-sisterly kind of relationship whereas we can argue like cats and dogs and pretty much say anything to each other we want.
Example of our most recent conversation (this conversation had a very philosophical tone):
Joe: Your butt isn't THAT big. I mean, it isn't as big as you say it is.
Me: Ok??...
Joe: I mean, it's big, right, but in a nice way. Like, it is in proportion to the rest of you.
Me: You mean all of me is huge.
Joe: No, no, you're not huge and neither is your butt. It is more like your butt size is in proportion to the size of your mouth.
Me: Ok, so do you mean that the actual physical opening in my face is huge, or do you mean that I am loud and talk a lot? Because I don't really talk a lot, but I do laugh loudly.
Joe: Well, I think what I mean is that your butt size is proportionate to the essence of your mouth--the aura of it.
Me: I think I can go with you on that one.
Me: Is it a bedonkadonk butt? [I have recently learned the definition of bedonkadonk, and I wanted to test out my knowledge of urban slang on my urban friend.]
Joe: It is a bedonkadonk butt, but not too badly.

Joe and Melinda are the kind of people that you can spend an entire evening with doing nothing at all other than watching clips on tourettesguy.com and laughing hysterically even though you all know it is TOTALLY inappropriate to do so. They are the kind of people whereby you feel ok dressing up like cowboys and cowgirls and terrorizing neighborhood cows and horses and chickens and cats and dogs. They are the kind of people where even if they are having an all out screaming match with each other about something, you can sit in the room and page through a magazine during the fight and not feel at all awkward. And you can even interject your own thoughts and opinions into the fight or maybe try to referee the fight. And no one cares. They are the kind of people that will listen to you talk about your ex-boyfriend for hours daily and still put up with it. They are the kind of people that will call and leave long and entirely inappropriate, and I might add, disgusting messages on your voicemail.

I have more Joe stories than I know what to do with. He will probably kill me for putting this out there, but he did just tell me that I can tease him about anything (just like he does to me) and he won't ever get mad. At least he won't ever physically hit me or anything.

Story about Joe:
When Joe was little he had his own room. And in the room next to his bed was the window. And on the window there were heavy drapes. So, while Joe was either falling asleep or waking up, he would pick his nose, and then he would wipe his boogers in this one "zone" behind one of the drapes. I would imagine that this started in his early toddler years and continued on through high school.
Well, some time in college, right when Melinda and Joe were getting or married, or newly married, I can't remember exactly, somehow the time came for Joe to clean out his room. And I guess his mother went in the room and pulled back the drapes far enough and then saw "the zone" of dried boogers. We are talking probably a decade and a half of dried boogers on the wall. Just imagine it. And imagine what your mom would do to you if she found that. And imagine what your wife would say. I am sure you can imagine it, and I am sure that the mother's reactions and Melinda's reaction were entirely along those lines.
Who does this type of thing?
The answer: Joel Larson.
Joe has considered me his sister, I think, since shortly after we met. Joe never had a sister. He was adopted and he had an adopted brother, but no blood sister. He has sisters-in-law, but you have to TRY to get along with your sisters-in-law; you don't HAVE to try to get along with your own sister. And that is exactly his attitude (and mine I might add) about our relationship.
So, do you want to know what Joe has been doing? He has been calling the Cass County courthouse and asking them "what is the process whereby I can legally become brother and sister with someone?"
And then the next time he and Melinda are in town, he wants he and I to go up to the courthouse to try to apply for a "brother and sister license" in the same way that you'd apply for a marriage license.
I think his main aim is to try to confound the simple country folk who, in his mind, are represenative of the entire population of the state, including those that work in government and profressional jobs.
Also, he wants to do it because he thinks it would be hilarious. So do I. And I think we should videotape it.
At any rate, if you can divorce your parents, why couldn't you legally "decide" to be brother or sister with someone? I mean, think about it?!


Blogger dana said...

I read this on my RSS and thought it was Kiersten's blog entry (I don't know why) and then was thinking about how you said I sould read your entry. I was thinking it was odd it wasn't up on my RSS so I came here and spend a few min thinking you copied and pasted Kiersten's blog entry to be funny. Now that I have that figured out, everything makes more sense.

Anyways, your butt isn't as big as you think it is. It just isn't and you need to stop being so deranged. Also? I'm still confused. But what else is new?

12:40 AM  
Blogger Kiersten H. said...

I think that your blog is about the funnest thing in my day that I do. Your stories, for some reason, are always astounding...in a really weird-type way. I'm very glad that you have people you are that close with (close enough that it's part of your job description as a sister that you have to annoy them or else things wouldn't be fun). And about the bum issue... I don't really know. I'm guessing it's not that big because I don't think I've ever noticed it before. But I remember that you have bigger-than-average hips (which I hear is good because you love to belly dance. Yea!!!

8:21 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Legally become a brother / sister?? I love that! If you get to be a sister can I be a cousin?

Don't scoff at "the zone". At some point we all wiped a boogie on a wall, a blanket or a coworkers laptop when they were yogaing (the F9 key to be exact). BWAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA

2:27 PM  
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